She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize