what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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