Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
