is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
