Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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