I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
