Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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