He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
