Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
