come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You pole danced in your parka.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
