Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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