oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Vodka?
Forever.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize