From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
How's work?
Spinning.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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