i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
