If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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