Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
