my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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