Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
