i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
