dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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