jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
