Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
