you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
