my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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