were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
