The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
