no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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