When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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