The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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