I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
