He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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