that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
