I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
