why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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