Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
All I want is dick and wine.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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