if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
