you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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