we made out on top of his cat.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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