if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
