Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I need to sanitize my soul.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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