wakey wakey hands off snakey
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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