He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i dont even know how to be here
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
