literally had 100 drinks last night.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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