mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize