he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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