If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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