The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize