she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
