I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
