If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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