So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
