Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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