The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
