there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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