piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
