There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
