his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
