toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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