Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
