While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I lost the right to judge tonight
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
